Phone call with Mom

RING RING
Jak: Hello
Mom: Well, you've finally done it.
Jak: Hi mom.
Mom: After all I've done for you over the years, this is the thanks I get?
Jak: What are you talking about?
Mom: I've given up hope for you
Jak: Maybe you should "give up" drinking so early in the morning
Mom: Don't get smart with me. Do you have any idea what you are doing to my social life?
Jak: I had no idea I had any impact on your social life.
Mom: Well, you do. All these years, all I've ever asked of you is one little thing....ONE LITTLE THING. But, do you help me out? NO!
Jak: Oh Jesus mom. Let's not start with this again.
Mom: I wouldn't have to bring it up if you had just cooperated.
Jak: Mom, I can't be something I am not.
Mom: Would it be so difficult for you just to pretend? I mean, your sexual orientation is not helping me out one bit.
Jak: Mom! Do you understand how crazy you sound?
Mom: Don't you call me crazy! You have no idea the pressure I am under to maintain my status among my friends. You should see how pompous these women are about their kids. I can't even mention you without people rolling their eyes.
Jak: Jesus Christ mom, I am the most normal of any of your friends kids. Bobby still lives at home. Jimbo is a drug addict. And Frankie dresses up in his moms clothes.
Mom: That is exactly what I am talking about! Each one of those kids is completely screwed up and drive their mothers crazy.
Jak: So, now I am really confused.
Mom: You are so naive about society. Don't you get it? All I have ever asked of you is that you be gay. Can you imagine how that would raise my cache in my social group? Especially if I was cool about it? I would be seen as so "with it" and tolerant. I would be queen of the world!! But, alas, you sit there all smug and heterosexual with your wife and your kids. What the hell good does that do me? Huh??
Jak: So, let me get this straight...you get no points for raising a normal, well-mannered kid with a good job, a beautiful wife and two wonderful kids? But, you get major points if I was gay and you were "cool" about it?
Mom: Duh!
Jak: Do I even have to tell you how sick that is?
Mom: Listen buddy boy, you have no idea. But, regardless of what I think about it, it is what it is. I mean, would it kill you to show up at a party with another guy? Or wearing lipstick and a woman's wig? Help your mother out boy!
Jak: Why can't you just come out of the closet as a lesbian? Wouldn't that be much easier?
Mom: Don't be stupid. That would just make everyone uncomfortable. And, besides, it is not the being gay that helps me. It is the being Ok with your gayness that gets me the keys to the kingdom. Do you realize how much I've had to put up with since I referred to that waiter as "colored?" Everyone thinks I am some insensitive antiquated old coot. Being "OK" about having a gay son would completely change everything.
Jak: Well, you are going to have to...
Mom: Wait! That's it. Problem solved.
Jak: What are you talking about?
Mom: Ha! I should have thought about this a long time ago. It is so simple!
Jak: OK mom. Should we add bipolar to your list of ailments when we check you into the home?
Mom: Nope. I am perfectly fine. I just figured out a solution to my problem that does not require your cooperation.
Jak: Now you are scaring me
Mom: Nothing to be scared of baby boy. I'm just going to mention one of your trips to the hospital and let them draw their own conclusions.
Jak: Excuse me.
Mom: Oh, don't worry about it.
Jak: No, I am worried about it. What are you planning exactly?
Mom: Well, I really shouldn't tell you, but I guess you have a right to know.
Jak: I should think so!
Mom: Yes, yes. I was just thinking that if I could work in a mention of that trip you took to the doctor the summer after your freshman year, I could omit some data and let them draw their own conclusions.
Jak: I'm not sure I follow...
Mom: You don't remember? You had to go to see Dr. Thomas because your ass was bleeding through your pants at work.
Jak: My god mom! That was from spending 10 hours on a wave runner the day before!!!
Mom: Well, of course it was dear. You know that, I know that...well, I assume you wouldn't lie to me...
Jak: MOM! It was a wave runner incident!!!
Mom: Yes, yes. I just recall that Dr. Thomas examined you and her first question was whether or not you had engaged in any homosexual activity in the past 24 hours. I'm just sayin'.
Jak: And I told her NO. It was a wave runner goddamnit!
Mom: And didn't you go to a Depeche Mode concert that night? That would be a good bit of information to drive them toward the "right" conclusion.
Jak: You do realize that if you go through with this, I will have no choice but to go ahead and check you into a home? Ever since you gave Kirsten your power of attorney, she has just been awaiting the word from me to move forward.
Mom: Oh you funny little boy.
Jak: I'm serious mom. I'll take you down to chinatown.
Mom: Listen, I would love to talk all day, but I'm meeting the girls down at La Madeline. Can't wait to pass along the story. Thanks for your help with this!
Jak: Wait!
CLICK